Bob’s story

After caring for his wife Heather at the end of her life with support from St Catherine’s Hospice, Bob shares his experience and the impact of the ongoing bereavement support he receives from the hospice’s Wellbeing Team.

“I met Heather when she was 16 and I was 15 – barely out of short trousers! I saw her smile from across the quad at college and that was it.

“We met in 1959, but we didn’t get married until 1968 because I took an apprenticeship to be a marine engineer, so I was away much of the time. I have five boxes of love letters that we sent each other during that time. That was what you did in those days.

“We married in Lancing, West Sussex, and had two children and were married for 57 years. And if I had to have our life again, I would absolutely have it all over again.

“In September 2025, we went to the GP as Heather had been experiencing unexplained weight loss for some time. We were referred to East Surrey Hospital, where a scan revealed that Heather had bowel cancer.

“The consultant told us that she had a large mass that was obstructing her bowel. I knew then that as the mass grew it would become a life-limiting situation. I asked him how long we had left and he replied: ‘months’. He was right – it was five months to the day when Heather passed away.

“Heather also had early-onset Alzheimer’s, and at this stage I don’t think she fully understood the diagnosis or the eventual outcome. She would ask me if she had a stomach bug, and I would tell her: ‘No. I’m going to lose you. But I’m going to look after you.’ Which I did.

“I cared for Heather at home for as long as possible. Nurses from the St Catherine’s Community Team would come and visit every couple of weeks to assess Heather’s condition. They were always there in the background, so I knew they were there when we needed them.

“Heather and I discussed what we wanted, and I knew that she did not want to go into hospital at any point. Her wish was to die at home or in St Catherine’s Hospice.

“On the Sunday before she passed away, things were desperate, and I was struggling. Heather’s health had been deteriorating, and she couldn’t eat, drink, or eventually even swallow. I had been told that this was going to happen, so I knew we were near the end.

“I talked to one of the St Catherine’s specialist nurses and discussed a referral to the hospice Ward. My daughter was staying with me, and early Wednesday morning we got an amazing phone call saying St Catherine’s had a bed for Heather, and an ambulance would come to transfer her.

“I was so relieved. When I needed the extra help in the last few days of Heather’s life, St Catherine’s were there for us.”

“Once Heather was on the Ward at the hospice, I knew that she would be in the professional hands of their caring staff. I knew it was close to the end, so my children and I spent as much time as we could with Heather over the next three days.

“The nurses couldn’t do enough. The whole way that the room was set out, the facilities, the advice available; it was amazing. We were always made to feel welcome, and we could pop out into the Reflective Space or Quiet Room, or out for a coffee, when we needed to.

“The time that I remember the most, was when I had the phone call from the staff nurse on the Ward to say that Heather had passed away. My son and I had just left her for the night, so we came straight back. When we walked into the room, the way it was laid out was so compassionate. The lights were down, there were flowers in the room and Heather looked at rest. I was surprised and overcome by the care the nurses had taken.

“It was so peaceful, and Heather was at rest. We stayed with her for some time, before the nurse said: ‘She’s in our hands’. The care, attention and love we received was just amazing.”

“It was, I felt, the end that Heather deserved.”

“We were told that there were various bereavement courses and support available from St Catherine’s. When I got the invitation to attend the bereavement support sessions, three months after Heather passed away, I didn’t hesitate. After losing my brother and sister, I thought I had understood grief, but nothing can prepare you for the loss of a life partner of nearly 70 years.

“I went to the group sessions with the St Catherine’s counsellor, and it put everything into perspective. It was very comforting to understand the grief process and helped me see it in a different light.”

“As the counsellor said, grief is the cost of love. And we were in love for nearly 70 years.”

“In the sessions, the counsellor shared with us an image that shows, that while people think grief might shrink over time, it’s actually your life which grows around it. Seven months on, I can see that that is the case. My grief is the same, but my world has expanded with new experiences, new trips, time with my family. I have that image laminated in my wallet to remind me, and I gave copies to the others on the course.

“I went to the weekly sessions with four ladies, and we all got so much from it. We helped each other; we swapped information about different things – dealing with our loss, handling the legal administration, house clearing, joining clubs, things like that. At the end of the course, we arranged to meet up, and we plan to have an evening get-together over a meal.

“The whole experience was surprisingly enjoyable, as well as informative, reassuring and comforting. It was amazing.”

“I’ve always believed that the hospice was the best place for Heather to be at the end of her life, and that the quality of care that was delivered in those last few days could not have been matched anywhere else.

“I know how much hospice resources are in demand, and I shall be eternally grateful for the care Heather received from St Catherine’s. It’s obvious from the minute you walk into the hospice and meet the Receptionist; this is a different place. This is a different environment. These are very special people.”

Bob is sharing his story in support of Hospice Care Week 2026. You can help St Catherine’s be there through the precious memories, final goodbyes and moments after. Every donation matters when time is short: www.stch.org.uk/donate