Barbara’s Story

Barbara’s husband Jim was cared for by St Catherine’s at the end of his life. Here we share her story, and why the care they both received inspired Barbara to leave the hospice a gift in her Will.

Barbara and Jim were married for 37 years. Jim was a Public Health Engineer with many interests and passions.

Barbara shares: “He loved photography, and enjoyed painting, music, gardening and cooking – he made a lovely chicken dhansak! He loved animals, and we had a succession of cats.”

Living with cancer 

Jim was diagnosed with bowel cancer in his 50s and lived with the illness for nearly ten years. 

Barbara tells us: “After his diagnosis he had quite major surgery, and his treatment involved chemotherapy, radiotherapy and more operations. The cancer went to his lungs, and then eventually into his back, which was the last bit of his cancer journey. 

“Jim was a problem solver – he very much had that engineering mindset that everything was a problem to be solved. Including the cancer. He never asked, ‘why me’, or complained, he was always physically brave.” 

St Catherine’s wellbeing support 

Barbara was first referred into St Catherine’s services for wellbeing support. 

Barbara shares: “Jim was at the hospital for his umpteenth chemotherapy session, and for some reason that day it was all very fraught and we were both very stressed. A nurse referred me for counselling at St Catherine’s, and I had three or four sessions. 

“At that point his cancer treatment had gone on a long time, and we were both exhausted by it. We kept thinking we had solved it, got through it, and then something else was thrown at us. I remember saying to the counsellor that it reminded me of a quote from the film Clockwise; ‘it’s not the despair, I can cope with that, it’s the hope I can’t stand’. That’s how I had got at that point. 

“Then something out of the blue happened and I met an old friend whose husband had died very suddenly. I reflected on something that had been said by the counsellor – that if you can’t get around something to look at it differently – and I thought ‘I’m looking at this as an awful thing, but it’s really a gift. I know what’s going to happen to Jim and I’ve got time to prepare – to say what I want to say and do what we want to do.’ I gave him my every minute because I knew it wasn’t going to last.” 

St Catherine’s palliative care 

Towards the end of his life, Barbara cared for Jim at home until it became too much for them to manage. 

Barbara recalls when Jim went into the hospice: “Gradually over the last six months of Jim’s life he got very much weaker. A nurse from St Catherine’s came to visit us at home and was due to have a meeting with his care team. 

“One night I was helping him to the bathroom when he fell and I wasn’t able to pick him up. I called for an ambulance, and they came and they got him back into bed. They wanted to take him into hospital but I said, ‘please don’t because he is on the waiting list for a bed at St Catherine’s’.  

“The next morning, I phoned the hospice and said, ‘we’ve really come to the end of the road here; I can’t manage anymore.’ They phoned me back and said they had a bed for him. They sent an ambulance and in he went.” 

Care in the hospice 

Jim stayed on the Ward for around four weeks before he died.  

Barbara recalls what it was like: “For a little while, Jim was a little bit subdued, but it didn’t last terribly long. 

The atmosphere within the hospice was very calm and homely. Little touches like being offered a drink from the drinks trolley surprised me. 

“The care in general was lovely. There were little caring touches that you would not probably get if you were in the hospital environment. When Jim couldn’t really eat anything anymore, they cut him up pieces of mango, which he liked very much, and put them on a stick so I could put it in his mouth and he could suck the juice; things like that.” 

End of life care 

“A few weeks before the end I had a chair by his bed, and I stayed there and slept there. Nobody minded the fact I was there all the time.” 

Barbara reflects on a moment that was special to her:  

“A few days before Jim died, he had a boost of energy. The nurse asked if there was anything he would like, and Jim replied, ‘I’d like a bath and a glass of Guiness’. So, she ran him a nice bath and gave him a head massage, and how she managed it I don’t know, but she got him a glass of Guiness brought in from a local pub!  

“He hadn’t drunk for a long time because of all the medication. I remember we sat him up and she held it up to his mouth and he took a big gulp and said ‘ah, that’s what I remember’. I have kept the glass next to his photo at home as a reminder ever since.” 

Support for the carer 

Barbara reflects on how the care at St Catherine’s helped her process her grief: 

“My biggest fear before Jim died was that he was going to suffer and I absolutely couldn’t bear the thought of that. He was the sort of person that never would have had enough – he was going to go down swinging whatever! But I couldn’t bear to watch that. I said to them, ‘I don’t want to lose him but please, please don’t let him suffer. I’ll never get over it if he suffers’. 

“In the end he went very peacefully. And I think, because of that, that made it so much easier for me to get over it. I didn’t have some sort of awful memory. It was a nice ending, I felt. For him, and for me.” 

Leaving a gift in Will 

Barbara shares why it was important to her to leave St Catherine’s money in her Will:  

“I thought right from the beginning that I wanted to help the hospice continue because their work is so important. 

“When I think about people right now who are in the position I was, that night when Jim was on the floor, thinking, ‘what am I going to do – I don’t want him to go into hospital’. It’s so important that we have hospices. All hospices.” 

I hope my donation means that everyone that wants to die in a hospice, can get a bed and die in a hospice. That’s what I hope.

Barbara continues: “I would like the hospice movement to flourish.  

“What the hospice offers is not just support for the person that’s ill, they offer support for the person that loves them. And I think that was as much a part of it, for me, of the whole experience – the care for the carer. 

“There are lots of worthy causes, but St Catherine’s is, in my view, in the top few. Or whatever your local hospice is. Because at the end of the day, we’re all going to die. We’re not going to escape.” 

To find out more about leaving a gift in your Will to St Catherine’s, visit our gifts in Wills page. Alternatively, you can call our Fundraising Team on 01293 447361 or email giftsinwills@stch.org.uk.