Top Five Tips for Talking about Death and Dying
Twenty-seven per cent of people find it difficult to talk about death with family and friends*.
This week we’re marking Dying Matters Awareness Week (4-10 May) – a campaign led by Hospice UK – which aims to break down the stigma and taboo of talking about death and dying and encourage people to have more open and honest conversations.
Here, Selena, our Spiritual and Anticipatory Care Lead at St Catherine’s, shares her top five tips for talking about death and dying.
Selena shares:
“If you’re sitting with the feeling that you’d like to talk to a loved one about death and dying, I’d encourage you to just start. These aren’t steps to follow in order, just think of them as five things to hold lightly as the conversation develops.”
Find the courage to begin
There is never a perfect moment. If you’re feeling the urge to bring it up, that’s probably a sign it’s a good time. Take a deep breath, centre yourself and begin.
You don’t need to even mention death and dying when you start the conversation. A simple “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something, would that be ok?” is enough to start. Other people might need a more direct approach, and you can always follow up with something like “Actually, I’d really like to hear your thoughts on death and dying and if there’s anything you’d like to share.”
Let them lead
It will become clear quite quickly if the person really does not want to have a conversation. If they get distracted or change the subject, let them, they might not be ready yet. If they do want to talk, let them direct it. Some people want to talk about feelings, others about practicalities. Either way, you’ve opened the door.
Use open questions to go deeper
If the conversation is flowing, a few gentle questions can open things up further:
- “Is there anything that worries you?”
- “Is there anything unsaid you’d like me to know?”
- “Where would you like to be, and who would you like around you?”
- “Is there anything you need from me to feel supported?”
You don’t need to ask all of them, one or two at the right moment is enough.
Allow silence
Silence can feel awkward and there is often a temptation to try and fill the gap. However, it can take time to find words for something that’s not been spoken before, and silence can allow a person to gather their thoughts. The person will let you know if they have nothing to say and you may inadvertently interrupt their train of thought and shut them down if you step in too quickly with words of your own.
One conversation is never the whole story
You won’t cover everything in one sitting, and you don’t need to. Short conversations over time are often more manageable. You can always end with “let’s come back to this”, acknowledging there might be more to say and leaving the door open.
These conversations are rarely easy, and rarely finished. But every time you return to one, it gets a little easier. Dying Matters week is an invitation to begin. You don’t need to get it right, you just need to start.
*This research is from polling commissioned by Celebration Day in 2025.
